i had the stark realization recently that my first and only date was at the age of 19.
okay, that’s not the part i realized.
the part i realized was that date was two and a half years ago.
at the time, i thought i was only weeks away from having my first boyfriend. now i know, i was a few years away from still wondering when.
valentine’s is in a few weeks, and i’ve already seen enough posts about it to make me want to stab someone with the popsicle stick sitting in a cup on my desk. i’m tired of days, of comments, that make me feel like an outsider for being single.
meg wrote a post last week about standing out, and i loved it, because i, too, have found myself in some awkward conversations with coworkers that i know nothing about by experience. but sometimes, those decisions we make, the ones that everyone else makes that are so easy to do as well, are the ones that speak strongest.
i have had several people tell me, “i wish i had done it your way.” i’m not sure what “my way” is, seeing as it’s been an uphill battle with constant surrender and one i never wanted to be in the position of fighting. so if my way is making the best of a situation i never asked for and never even envisioned, i suppose i understand where they’re coming from.
because what i really want to ask when people say that is, “really? do you really? do you want the hard days of questioning and fighting and crying? do you want the feelings of loneliness and unworthiness and ugliness? do you want to have to constantly remind yourself that God has not forgotten you, that you are not alone, and that if you never date or marry anyone it doesn’t mean your life is over?”
but i remember i’ve traded other heartbreak for the heartbreak i have. i have watched friends go through breakups that rent their hearts in twain and watched them make decisions they knew they ought not but did because they were too afraid of the other side, of singleness.
i never want to be afraid of the other side. singleness for me is this side and i never want to be afraid of that either. i have no better answers for being single and struggling with contentment in that than i ever do, but one thing i know: joy is His to give and not my relationship status’s, and fear is joy’s to push out.
i have chosen not to settle out of fear, but rather to choose joy in what’s come. and because today it’s a struggle, i’m deliberately choosing it again.