life is happy today.
i’m coming off weeks of doing almost nothing but homework and trying to keep myself awake in class, nearly every hair on my head is split at the end, and my room was trashed for a while because i couldn’t find the time to clean it.
i sat in linguistics a couple weeks ago listening to one of the linguistics professors talk about a study abroad trip to amsterdam. my heart ached to go, to get excited about leaving the states again, to get excited about going back to europe. i believe our stories tell the most about us. where i best find home is where i find the history of who i am, of the world, of life. i think that explains, in part if not whole, why honduras feels like home to me. and i think it explains why europe feels much the same. so i sat there, aching then and hours afterward, longing to return to a place i’ve met before in its distinctly french and polish expressions, hoping to meet it in its dutch fashion and maybe connect with the small part of me that’s rooted in holland.
i watched close friends of mine as they watched relationships they had or were hoping to have break and tried to help them pick up the pieces, not knowing what to say because i’ve never been there, hoping that for one of them, doing spanish in my bedroom, spending the night, and eating ice cream for breakfast the next morning would help. and some of those relationships are being woven back together, and some of them are just done, and in and for all the people involved, Jesus is working and i know they’re all going to be okay.
i asked myself how to rejoice when others were mourning, and how to rejoice when i felt like mourning, and i’ve realized anew that joy is a lifestyle and a choice.
i read and learned about grace and realized grace is as much about joy as it’s just about grace.
i found emily freeman‘s series on grace and it soothed my soul and quieted my spirit, put to rest anxious thoughts and reminded me that sometimes grace is something you give as much to yourself as you do to other people.
i went to see shauna niequist at the grand river room yesterday. the subtitle of her book bittersweet is “thoughts on change, grace, and learning the hard way.” i texted kelsey and said, “my life much?” this season has been more about grace than almost anything else. as i sat with a bunch of other girls listening to shauna read excerpts of bittersweet and then answer our questions, there were moments of raw honesty and moments of silly, sweet laughter. it was grace and it was good.
i spent nearly this entire weekend alone watching reruns of ncis, listening to taylor swift and not thinking about homework.
i spent nearly all of yesterday with friends. an impromptu meeting with katie at einstein’s, dinner with kristen, skyping with tyeshia, and talking to jon, tessa, tyeshia, kelsey, stephanie, liz, and tasha at various points throughout the day.
today i got up two hours early and went to einstein’s with kelsey. and i hate waking up early, but it was well worth the time spent with kels, by far.
and tomorrow i’ll get out of class, with plans to meet stacy for lunch, to skype with monique for a long overdue catch-up on each other’s lives, to meet liz and possibly stephanie for dinner.
and at some point, either this weekend or next, i’ll see jon and probably tessa, and hopefully my brother, who incidentally has a birthday coming up – and i just love birthdays, probably more than when they aren’t mine than when they are.
there are people, shauna told us, who look at life as broken and dark, and there are people who look at life as sparkly and bubbles.
today, life is sparkly and bubbles.
looking at life is sparkly and bubbles is a choice – one i rarely make, because i’m normally one of those who looks at the brokenness and darkness of life.
which, as shauna said, is perfectly fine, if what you’re focusing on is fixing that.
but today i’m looking for and recognizing beauty, hope, joy, rainbows and pink unicorns, getting excited about simple things, like the fact that i just discovered the ramp outside einstein and walked down it like i was, as kelsey said, a three-year-old who’s going down the up escalator.