i love that sunday’s post went up on sunday.
i am at the beginning, y’all.
sunday wrecked me, although let’s be completely real and say i can’t remember the last time a sunday DIDN’T wreck me. a few sundays ago the message and the songs centered around the holiness of God and i remember thinking as i cried, “because when the holiness of God crashes with you, it will MESS. YOU. UP.”
you know, for your good and His glory. even though it may not feel like it as the time, seeing as you’re all perfecting a new version of your grotesque cry and such. it happens.
FOR HIS GLORY.
(that whole glory part is key.)
what i love about Jesus is how He pops into places you never expected. it’s like rihanna’s “we found love in a hopeless place” but the love is real and the hopelessness is straight awful, as opposed to whatever she happens to be singing about (please let no one quiz me on pop culture but if you want to know about christian music i will OWN YOU).
all that to say we were singing a song sunday morning that didn’t have anything to do with missions and all of a sudden a place name popped into my head and i was all, “hold up, Jesus, You’re doing it again.”
you know. you feel me. you’ve been there.
it’s where you feel Him calling on that one thing that you’d been thinking about but shelved because you weren’t interested or it didn’t feel like the time and place. it’s the one heartstring and you know. and then all of a sudden He pulls on every single one after that as though you needed to be told ninety-eight million times about the one thing He’s calling you to.
i don’t know about you but i definitely need to be told ninety-eight million times.
so then as i keep worshipping the compulsion to go is stronger and stronger and stronger.
and then my pastor calls out, FROM THE PULPIT, people who are ignoring the call to go.
and then there’s another song.
and then there’s a tweet…
…and another tweet.
and so now i pretty much know exactly what i’m doing next april.
but before i tell you about that i have to tell you everything else.
because today our message was on fear. and i don’t know about you but i like to think i am afraid of nothing except THAT ONE THING i cannot even mention because my fear of it is so irrational (you know, besides a buckeye national championship; that’s no.2 on the list). and, well, sunday morning reminded me that i am not, in fact, as unafraid as i would like to believe.
i may be weak, butYour Spirit’s strong in me.my flesh may fail, butmy God, You never will.
and as we sang those truths, it hit me: that maybe, just maybe, surrendering to what God has planned for april meant sacrificing once and for all my dream of marriage.
it sounds ridiculous but it was just a thought that occurred to me just before we began singing that lyric, but y’all, i. lost. it. because i had never, not once, dealt with the fear i had of fully surrendering marriage to the Lord.
give me faith to trust what You say:that You’re good, and Your love is great;i’m broken inside; i give You my life.
i texted erin a few nights ago and told her vehemently, “He IS good. I’m fighting for that truth.” and as we sang the chorus of “give me faith,” i fought by letting go. because with Jesus, ironically, the victory is found in surrender.
i had to also surrender the fear that i didn’t have the finances to make this april endeavor work and i had to work through the fact it’s not so much i’m afraid of not having the money so much as i’m afraid of sacrificing the money when i might “need” something stateside. but let’s be real. i don’t need anything stateside. i do need to obey and when the Lord calls He usually takes me overseas, so if i need anything it must be across the waves.
and the last few, significantly tinier fears: where i’m going is under a national travel advisory and more selfishly i have no idea what kind of accommodations we’ll have. although i’m thankful for kenya this past summer for teaching me i can in fact survive a week without running water.
but something my pastor pointed out: the Lord did not fail to consider these things. He absolutely knows everything about where i am and will be in life now and in the next few months and what i always forget is HE ALREADY HAS IT HANDLED.
and the good news is i have lots of ESL experience.
so y’all? next april, Lord willing, i’ll see you on the other side of the philippines.