Oh, there are so many things to tell you.
There are so many things to say after this month of blogging, and yet I feel near worn out. I have blogged more in this month than I might have done all year. It’s been exhilarating but also exhausting and I’m still doing 31 Days in October.
I wish we were sitting at Starbucks right now. I would have my ubiquitous iced vanilla chai tea latte in hand and you would have your _________ (tell me what this would be in the comments!). You would ask me how I was and I would sigh, because I am not sure how to put together the words, except that I am, and the trouble is more I don’t want to be the kind of person who admits the things those words say.
I don’t want to admit that after weeks of thinking I was managing a workable schedule, I realized I was really dashing myself against a brick wall.
I don’t want to admit that I am not the person who can have a schedule that’s full to bursting. I’m too introverted; my body wears out too quickly. I learned this the hard way over the course of a week and half.
I don’t want to admit that I can’t do everything. I mean, I’m fine saying I can’t do literally everything. The everything I can’t stand to admit I can’t handle really means everything I feel is important. Or everything that will make me feel important. Mhm. That.
I don’t want to admit that words NF raps in his collaboration with tobyMac struck truer than I would have liked them to: “You only look to heaven when you goin’ through some drama.” Ahem. This is truth. Painful, searing truth.
I don’t want to admit that I told myself I am not allowed to make any plans this week. By that I mean I am not allowed to pen or pencil or Sharpie or imagine ANYTHING on my calendar, for any date, for any reason, at any time. Not this week. I’m going seven days without scheduling a thing, because I need to.
Not only have I chosen not to make any plans this week, but I’ve decided from now on I can choose to make plans on weeknights or I can choose to make plans on Saturday, but one of those options has to remain open every week. I don’t rest well when my weeknights and Saturdays are booked solid; it makes me cranky and it doesn’t give me space to recover my energy. Did y’all know I went 21 days without reading in September? I don’t mean not finishing a book. I mean not even cracking one open. Personally, that’s a disgrace; it’s how I know I haven’t made time to rest well.
I said this on Periscope last week and I’ll say it again: God is not pleased with our sacrifices of sanity and health on the altar of busy. I have fallen into the trap of believing constant plans equaled quality time spent in service, community, work, whatever. So I’m making the tough decision to say no to things so I can say yes to better things.
It’s going to take strength and courage, but a life worth living always does, no?